2 days ago
27
Having a baby should be one of the happiest days of your life and if you did IVF like I did, you can feel even more pressure to be appreciative for your kid. But, after I gave birth, I honestly was more interested in devouring the Italian hoagie my husband got me from Jersey Mikes than holding my son. I spent the next few days wondering if I’d made a terrible mistake and no, it wasn't postpartum depression.
It wasn’t until a Harry Potter scene popped into my head that I realized I was meant to be a mom.
Before we get to the story, here’s a quick welcome to Diary of a Work-In-Progress Mom, a weekly check in on how life is going as a new mom who wasn't sure she wanted to be a mom until she was told she couldn't get pregnant. If you’re not already following me on TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook, here’s a brief introduction.
I’m a 34-year-old woman living in New York City with a 14-month-old and I am really making my own rules for being a mom because I know nothing. As in, I never even held a baby before having a baby of my own (I know, I think my parenting scares my mom sometimes).
When I first held my son, I looked at his cute, little face and something activated in me. I knew I would do anything to protect him because how do you see the pure innocence of a defenseless baby in your arms and not know you’d murder someone who tried to hurt him and never lose a wink of sleep about it.
But honestly, when my husband came back with that hoagie, I was fine with the nurses taking my newborn away for testing because all I wanted was to eat this fat, Italian hoagie layered with ham, capicola and salami. It’d been nine months since I had deli meat and I just met this kid.
And no, I wasn’t just exhausted from labor. I had a scheduled c-section. The day before I gave birth, I was getting a blow out and a French manicure so I could enter motherhood as Carmela Soprano.
In the nine months leading up to his birth, I expected that moment to be so major. Movies, scripted shows and even reality television talks nonstop about this love a mother has for their baby like it's this magical wave that washes over you the second you see that kid.
And maybe that's true for some people. If it was true for you, I think that's absolutely fantastic. It wasn't for me and I worried I'd made a terrible mistake. What if the years I spent not dreaming about being a mom were right? What if, because I had a c-section and didn't experience labor, I don't feel connected to this baby?
We sent our son to the nursery both nights because as my doctor put it, it's the only time your health insurance will pay for daycare, so take advantage of it. Again, if you didn't, great for you, no judgement. As an expert mom, I'm a big believer in as long as your kid is safe, loved and secure, you're a perfect mom.
Two days after he was born, we came back to our apartment, and I spent the night sitting in a chair rocking him while he went between crying and sleeping. At some point between 3 and 4 a.m., I'm snuggling this little baby, and I should have been exhausted, but it's so peaceful in the room I don't feel tired. And I say,
"Mama loves you."
I instantly think of the scene of Lily Potter kneeling at Harry's crib right before she's killed saying, "Harry, you are so loved. Mama loves you, Harry."
I started sobbing (okay maybe I was a little tired? I'm not usually that emotional). And that's when I realized I loved this little baby more than I have ever loved anyone in my life because the thought of him going through this world alone and not having me to comfort him or support him or love him made me sadder than I've ever been in my life.
If you're laughing at me, I get it because my sisters laughed too and I fully recognize how ridiculous it is.
Objective, it’s an insane trigger. I’m not even that big of a Harry Potter fan, so why that scene popped into my head I do not know. And the worst part is, I still tear up when I tell the story. Like, I cried a little writing this.
But don't worry, I can laugh at myself. It's actually how I made it through IVF and motherhood with my sanity intact. It's how I make it through life, generally, and I highly recommend it.
So, a piece of advice. If you're pregnant or about to give birth and you think it's going to be this moment where you're suddenly a different person or need to feel a wave of love and you don't. You're not broken. Eat a hoagie and just give it a little time.
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